Doubt

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One of my English students took this awesome photo of me. What am I waiting for? Conquer the world, girl!

“You’re afraid of success.” Those words spilled out of my friend’s mouth as if she had been waiting a long time to tell me that. I’m almost certain she had. Our conversation about life had turned into this moment of honesty. And all I could do was stare at her because for once, I didn’t have a comeback. It was silent for a while before she finally explained. “You have everything you need to be a writer and do what you love, but you are afraid of that power. You are afraid of what is going to happen after you really do it.”  Those words scraped me like sandpaper at first. But the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced she was on to something.

For as long as I can remember, I have been enthralled with the written language. Notebooks upon notebooks filled with poetry, random thought and ideas. I have had most of these notebooks for years, promising myself I would do something with them someday. The idea of this very blog site was written down three years ago, and I am just now getting to it. SMH. What my friend said to me lingered in the air and in my thoughts for days. But it most definitely sparked something in me. I began to reflect on my purpose and what was really standing in my way. The easiest answer to the latter is DOUBT. What if people don’t really like my blog? What if I’m really not that good of a writer? No one is going read or buy my book. I may turn the world upside down with my words. Then what?  All of these thoughts have held me back for so long. Over the years, I have even take up other hobbies and this and that just to claim I didn’t have time to write. I made excuses and consumed myself with everything that didn’t help me to fulfill my calling. At the end of 2016, I switched my focus to what I am supposed to be doing, and it has been such an humbling and liberating experience. I was always so overwhelmed with what I else I was doing. But now that I am running in my lane, my path is clearer. I can’t worry about what will happen. I just have to do me.

So I guess the point of me writing this is to reflect. But mostly I want to encourage those who are running from their purpose or calling … to stop.  Simply ask yourself this. Is my failure to fulfill my purpose keeping others from being motivated to fulfill theirs? We all have to remember that our personal callings or destinies are not isolated from the rest of the world.  What we do affects others. What is holding you back?  I’m sure I can answer that question.  It’s not lack of support or the resources you need to get the job done.  And I’m not saying those things don’t play a part. But truly, you are holding you back. Doubt is bondage. Get you some freedom.

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